Its crazy...even though it hurts to much to be on my own...there are still little things that pop through. (I still have no idea how i'm going to have a child and raise it on my own...it just wasn't the plan...urg...).

Today the little thing is the car. I never knew if I would be able to drive my own vehicle or not. I guess this all started from me being stupid enough to let him drive my car without a license anyways...and then trading in my mini-van for a jeep. Either way, he drove it whenever he felt like it. Now, there is one thing I DO understand about driving without a license. If you are a safe driver, and have no other means to get TO WORK, I kind of understand. I mean, of course you will have to suffer full responsibility in the event that you do get found out. If there is a registered car around, and you don't have anyone willing to drive you where you need to go to earn your money...its kind of your only option if there are no taxis or buses. But, this wasn't the case! And it wasn't even just used for work! Even when he finally did get a job, if he wanted the car that day...he got it. Man, even thinking about the car stuff I can hear him threatening me the day he got arrested while I was driving the next county over...it scares me still....

Anyways, he would take the car to do whatever he wanted. Even when I wanted to go with him, he wanted to go by himself. He would even make up stories about this or that to try to get me to not want to go. "I'm just going over to find a part at my parent's house" yea...well finding a part doesn't take all day...and involve using up a tank of gas when they only live within walking distance. Oh, and the times when he would drive while drinking!! How many times did I need to find someone to give me a ride to go and pick up my car with poor Dallas sitting in the front seat!! At 29 years old, if he hadn't grown up already, he never will. All the times when I would say I would drive him here or there...he said he didn't want to be 'babysat'. Well, when you lost your license when you were 17, don't have a car of your own, and don't have enough smarts to realize you shouldn't be driving in the first place...you kind of NEED to be babysat. Even the same DAY I got my car back from the shop after he had rendered it undriveable...I wasn't 'allowed' to drive my own car!! How crazy is that?! I even ended up getting bitched at for wanting to stay in the car in case it got dark outside...but still didn't get to drive it. Its also almost comical that every single ticket hes ever had, along with the damage hes done to the car...was never ever REALLY his fault. He would take the car and risk his own ass to go pick up teenage kids and drive them places. (he even would give them cigs, beer, and weed...but i'm not even getting into that one now on this post). He would go at the drop of a hat to go 'help a friend out with car trouble'. You know, that last day he screamed and yelled at me (and threatened me) we were talking about my grandfather's gas card. He didn't see the issue in charging over 800 dollars a week to it. Said we were in 'dire need'. No, we are not in dire need of you running around everywhere in the car. We only need to get to the grocery store and him to work. So, since I heard from my grandfather every month about darrell's taking of the gas card and using it, I would get upset and cry...and he would promise not to do it anymore. Did he ever keep that promise??? No. He didn't. So, that day, hes talking about how he had spent 200 dollars on gas since he got his job 2 weeks ago (way too much if he even spent that...that should cover a month with NO gas card). How, SO MUCH MONEY was going to gas when we didn't have enough for rent. I thought, maybe he will finally see how much money he goes though...maybe he will spend less. Since we needed gas to get home from yet another court date of his, I told him that if I fill up the gas tank with the gas card, I will be the one driving with that gas in the car. He starts to argue about 'what about the gas I put in it two days ago'...to which I tell him...you stole the gas card to put THAT gas in the tank. He says ok...and I say...thats a lie isn't it. He says 'well, i have to do this and that...go over to my mom's...do whatever' I tell him that I can drive...its safer that way, for both of us...since I have already spent thousands upon thousands of dollars for 1)bailing him out of jail 2)paying his lawyers and 3)the 7,000 to close all of his previous cases in order for him to get his license back...which he decided that the alcohol classes and all of that were just too much to ask of him after the fact. So, he starts threatening me while I'm driving down the road, because I said that I would just try my luck and see if I could make it home. Said that I would be the one walking back because he sure as hell wasn't going to be. So badly at that time did I just want him out of the car...and out of my life for good. I only relief I felt at that point, was that knowing in 2 days time I was going to be out of there...and everything packed up for me to leave without him having any idea that was going to happen.

So now, life with just having a car is simple. I know its there when I go to sleep, and I know its there when I wake up. I know I won't have to worry about it coming back with even more damage on it. I don't need to worry about the amount of gas going into the car...or have a surprise of how much was used each day. (10 days ago on the way up to new york, i filled up the tank in pennsylvania...when i had gotten here there was only half a tank left...I filled it up for the first time in New York 2 days ago...and this is even with making deliveries of flowers to people). I don't need to worry about arguing about the car, and I don't need to worry about having to go pick up my car up to 2 hours away from the house. I don't need to worry about a pet being stuck in the car while worrying on how to go and get it. I don't need to worry about what drugs could be in it, or open beer containers, or anyone driving the car under the influence of anything at all. And, I don't need to worry about getting a call from the police or a bailbondsman wanting me to pick him up because he was driving...and don't need to worry about my car being impounded...and that...is good.