I've got a feeling...that this is what he thinks is the route of everything going on. He would always say how my family was handed everything on a silver spoon. Because he thought this, in his head, he felt it intitled him to things that are not his by stealing....and it wasn't only me and my family he had this attitude too. It was people in nice houses who put in irrigation systems..and if he didn't like them or people he was working for, he has stolen parts from them just so he can use it on someone else's property. Its horrible and deceitful, and I guess this is how he was raised to think.......that if it LOOKS like the other people have money to spare..its ok to take it. He doesn't think into it any more than that...and somewhere along the line he also missed the lesson to be greatful when someone who has something...gives him something out of the kindness of their own heart.

So, at 18, i had a 'trust fund'. This fund was a stock account, that was going to be used to PAY FOR COLLEGE! College for music conservatory....is upwords of 35,000 a year!! So, since I got terribly sick, I had this amount doubled in the account after two years of school. Since I moved out of NYC and to NC, my grandfather bought me a car, a USED car. Now, my grandfather has money....but by no means did he win the lottery to get it. He started out working by shoveling coal, and washing windows. Then, he got a job working at a gas station. It was from this job and putting HIMSELF through college...that he became the success he is. But this is my grandfather, and his money to do with as he pleases now after decades of hard work. So, if he so chooses to give it to a granddaughter in the form of a gas card...i don't see that as horrible. Wouldn't we all want the same for our children and grandchildren? That if we work at a job day after day after day for decade after decade to give it to our family? How would you feel if that family member you gave it to....got it taken out from under them by the person they were with? All of that hard earned money....earned by working hour after hour....just....up and taken away?

So, because of coming 'from money'...even though my grandfather is the only person in my ENTIRE family...on both sides...that has money like that....why does it seem to my ex that we have this attitude like 'we're better'? IT DOES NOT...have to do with the money...let me tell you that. It has to do with characture. Something my ex has none of. He steals from strangers and steals from people he says he loves. He steals from relatives and relatives of people he says he loves.....because he thinks he is intitled. When I met him, i let him use the money i had with no problem...and he took advantage of that. 15-20K just GONE with nothing to show for it....and a 13,000 credit card bill run up in 2 months. If I was so rich and 'high and mighty' why was it HIM doing all the spending like that? Why was I the one ok with the cable being turned off, but he felt the need to pay for it fraudulently? Why was I the one talking about conserving money...conserving gas...signing up for WIC, signing up for medicade, going to a food pantry.......and wasn't angry about any of it......while he just got angry with me about money more and more? HE was the one who couldn't control his spending, or his stealing....in order to make his life his ideal. That must be the same mindset he used with driving or drinking...and everything else....do what he wants to...all of the time, deal with the consequences when and if they happen. Never think of others or just do for others HIMSELF.....unless it came with giving people money that wasn't his to try and look generous.

So now, high and mighty ones with money? Hes got more money than I do....because he took all of mine. I'm staying with my mother, in her house. She doesn't have the money to feed me or cloth me...in my condition now...with half of my body randomly going paralized...sometimes legs not working...and terrible headaches...I am going around trying to find someone to hire me for a job that will pay 8 dollars an hour.....pregnant. On tuesday morning I have to be up at 7am...to go stand in a line to get food stamps and medicade/family health plus. On Monday I have to go into WIC. So yea...I'm the person with ALL THE MONEY.....who can't even afford to fix the back of her jeep so the tire has to sit IN her car in place of seats in the back...because my ex crashed it while he was drunk.

I swear, that sometimes even the thought of him makes me want to throw up...

Why can't he just leave me alone?!?! I have a restraining order...but like hell did I ever want to even use that thing...the only reason I even got it is because there was going to be an overlap between when he could make bail and i could leave the freakin state...and i was scared...and it was such a huge bonus to not have to hear his voice...and be threatened even over the phone...or have him try to control me!! I'm so sick and so tired of being afraid of how to say anything...for fear of getting abused emotionally or physically. No-one even gets how I would sit around and wonder and think and think and think of 'whats the best way i can say this to him' to try to figure out what would sound right so i wouldn't get bashed. And when it wouldn't work after i was trying SOOO hard...I would cry out of frustration and get yelled at for it! But man...seeing or hearing someone say 'get yelled at' doesn't even come close to what it really was. It was him telling me how it was. What he was going to do, is what he was going to do...and screw me. He wants to drive my car and not let me the day I get it back? Screw me. I want to sit around in the car in case it gets dark cuz then theres more cops? Screw me...not my fault the guy had not an ounce of common sense.....so LITTLE common sense that he seriously thinks that he doesn't deserve all of these freaking charges he has on his record...or all of the court dates...he has an excuse for EVERYTHING...and I mean everything. Once, I got charged for marijuana in my apartment that wasn't mine. The charge was bullshit, especially since it was inside my own apartment...and because the only reason the cops were called is because a) his sister knew he was in a bad angry way and b) i had ended up on the kitchen floor----but this was before any abuse ever happened and it was from the stupid chemo. Either way, cops got called to see if everything was ok...(and wow i should have ended things then...ttoootttalll control issues made their presence known at that moment). But, I ended up getting a charge for the weed...that was later dismissed. But getting the charge...bullshit...but did i deserve it? HELL YEA! Its illegal to have it at your place and I knew that. I took the chance. My ex doesn't see these things this way though. I was having a talk with my aunt today about some of the crazy stuff thats gone down...and how there were times when I would have to go pick up the car and poor dallas was in it! I would then have to hear him bitch about 'OH POOR DALLAS they didn't do this didn't do that...'....noo!!! its OH POOR DALLAS YOU DID THAT TO HIM!! What if there had been a small child in the car...you know what would happen? Social Services would be contacted! Weather it was another DUI...or got pulled over for the SMALLEST of things...and then was found out he didn't have a license. Social Services would take the small child away...maybe for some sort of hearing...and maybe just until the other parent could get there to get the child. That means a foster parent. Even if its just an HOUR! And then, they have descretion as to what they want to do, depended on the whole situation.

He keeps on asking 'hows the baby'...so much better now that hes around. Doesn't have to deal with the constant cramping stomach...doesn't have to deal with its mom being abused and causing the baby distress. Does have to 'hear' the father saying to the mother to get an abortion. In 3 weeks, won't have to worry about hearing the father screaming and yelling. All of that cramping I had that he just never gave a shit about...all of that swelling I was having related to it and the stress (he never cared to understand how much stress can cause a miscarriage)....and the baby won't have to worry about getting knocked in its head in another fit of his violent rage that he 'never means to happen'. THE BABY WILL LIVE...no thanks to him...and one baby wasn't so lucky....
I just want him to leave me alone...thats all I want...for him to leave me alone...

i mean...seriously...does he think he can get me back cuz hes a wreak? I hate how he tells me that...its like hes still trying to play with my emotions when he does. When hes been violent, he acts like he feels bad...and I honestly started to not know if it was an act or if he did feel bad for a short period of time at least. I got some honesty box comment either from Darrell or from someone else saying that Darrell was a wreak and has called them crying a few times because he feels bad. Its just like no-one gets how bad I FEEL. I had to leave the person I was in love with because he didn't treat me right AT ALL...the guy I fell in love with, was not the guy he really was. I feel like crying all the time...and the only way to get over that is to keep myself busy. When he tells me, or other people tell me, that hes not doing well with this...part of me wants to be that person that comforts him...part of me thinks well he just shouldn't have been so horrible to me in the first place and kind of gets what he deserves. I can't even list everything the list is so long...and the list of the good things is there...but pretty short. For example...me being pregnant. He was so excited that he called everyone in his phone by 7am the same day. When the baby moved, he would get a smile on his face...and he liked hearing about the baby when he was in a good mood....but the good mood was so rare!! He always had excuses for treating me badly. He was stressed...so therefor it was ok to treat me like shit? He even stopped sleeping in the same room as me, and when I asked him he would get upset. If I cried, he told me I was weak and I was going to be a bad mother. Twice he told me to get an abortion! Got hit in head and thrown to the ground, and sprayed with a hose while I was 8 weeks pregnant. I still don't think he even knows how close I was to having a miscarraige that day. While its true that pregnant woman get swelling...it doesn't happen that early. The whole next 24 hours at his moms house...oh man when I even first got there you would not believe how swelled up I had become...and I was in pretty bad shape...my stomach constantly cramping from crying. He also didn't understand that my stress level is SO IMPORTANT when your pregnant! I'm convinced had I had stayed...the next time he got violent something really bad was going to happen. And even if for some outside chance he hadn't...that stress WOULD HAVE CAUSED ME PRE TERM LABOR....I've done lots of reading. The last time I saw him does he even see that he didn't really hit me...he hit the baby?? I doubt he sees it that way. It baffles my mind to think he could and has been a good father...when he put the baby through this much stress when he/she hasn't even been born yet! It makes me so sad...and all i've written right here is just about one portion of the life we had together. The car stuff I wrote on a previous post is yet another portion...i mean the list could go on forever. Now i'm in credit card debt BECAUSE OF HIM...and the money he has stollen from me I don't think I will ever see again. But, he never cared about the stress that caused me before I left him, so it would never bother him now either. Why should it bother him that now I'm going to have to earn up credit again? It doesn't effect him, but it does effect me and my unborn baby, and my entire family.

And all this...still I have to hear about how bad he feels? Still he wants to tell me about alcohol classes and AA and abuser treatment...all of these things I begged for that he wouldn't do for me no matter how many times i stuck by him and tried to make things work?

I'm in the hospital today...have been for about 24 hours now. I wish breathing was easier...and I wish I could take a deep breath!

Its pretty unbelievable! I got a message from my ex...hes wanting to know why he went to jail, why i left him the way i did, said he was 'mad' but never got physical...and that we both 'walked away'. Wow, well I remember things differently...I chose to not respond to his questions. Every single time I did in the past, my words never ever got through...ever. He always walked away feeling he was right in the situation...like any situation thats ever been out of control. But, I DO have a need to get these things out...even if its just for me.

So, why did I leave him 'like that'? Well...which part? I had planned on leaving him after he spoke down to me so bad that it just clicked in my head...i had never ever cried like that before...my plan was to leave without him knowing...because that was the SAFEST plan to have! I had already been given a concussion, a skull fracture, a miscarraige, been pushed to the ground, restrained on the ground, had him threaten me with that look in his eyes, had him say he was going to do all sorts of things to my car whenever I tried to leave before. I always gave up cuz a) i knew he would hurt me and b) for some reason i still loved the guy. It was safest for me to leave without him knowing...and ended up being just as safe with him in jail and a restraining order in hand. The jail and restraining order was not part of 'the plan'. I was just going to leave and let him off the hook...again...

I left him, because I was scared of him...and at that point he made me sad and depressed and scared 99% more than he made me happy. He even had the nerve to tell me 'so, what other PHANTOM pains are you going to come up with next?' and while I am there shaking 'I can't believe you treat me like this'. Wow...what words for an abuser to use. That day, he threatened me in the car (re: previous post)...then when getting home, he doesn't understand that I don't want him to hold onto a fraudulent check!! He WOULD have cashed it and let my credit get even worse when the bank wanted the money back. (He had already proved this with my mom's credit card, my credit card, and my bank account). So, when I don't give it to him what do I get? The check ripped away from me, a hit in the stomach, and again a huge string of emotionally abusive words. But, he doesn't see these actions as violent (just like the holes in the walls...or the broken things in the house). Yes, this was the LEAST amount of damage he had caused me thus far when it came to the physical...but its not just about me anymore...its about the baby inside of me...and the one he already killed. He had already given me a concussion, he had already beat me up like crazy...it WOULD have happened again...if not that day...the next...and I needed out. I told the judge EXACTLY what happened...I have NEVER made up a thing when it came to Darrell and his abuse...because I'm not a liar...even if lying would be in my best interest.

He said we both 'walked away' afterwords. Not entirely true. I sat there in bed, while he was going between the living room and the bedroom then verbally bashing me and i was scared like I had been so many times in the past. I was lucky to get a text message to my mom. (if i had tried calling or leaving...like I had before...wwoowww I probably would not be pregnant anymore...and thats so sad...). I knew after he had 'calmed down' a little bit...that I could probably make it to the stairs judging where he was and I was. I didn't dare to take my purse or my keys...because i knew i would have never made it to the car to get away (it hadn't worked in the past...). I knew also from a previous time he even put my dogs in the car while I was walking down the street saying he was going to go drop them off somewhere...I didn't want to risk my dogs too. So, i sat outside with my phone, waiting for the police. Twice he came out to tell me how 'he wasn't sorry...or hes sorry about this...but not that'. One of the times, my phone beeped from yet another missed call from the credit card company...and he starting talking down about me and my mom again, thinking we were texting back and forth. At that point, i was too scared to text anyone.

The cop that showed up was wonderful because he truly understood abusive nature. Darrell was trying to say things to me like 'what about my job! what about us i'm doing this for you' and on and on...and the cop just KNEW it was the manipulative behavior of it all!! It was so great to have someone understand that the nice things a guy like this says to you afterwords are not him being sorry, or not understanding....but really just trying to manipulate to get the woman back...so he can do it all over again...

Its crazy...even though it hurts to much to be on my own...there are still little things that pop through. (I still have no idea how i'm going to have a child and raise it on my own...it just wasn't the plan...urg...).

Today the little thing is the car. I never knew if I would be able to drive my own vehicle or not. I guess this all started from me being stupid enough to let him drive my car without a license anyways...and then trading in my mini-van for a jeep. Either way, he drove it whenever he felt like it. Now, there is one thing I DO understand about driving without a license. If you are a safe driver, and have no other means to get TO WORK, I kind of understand. I mean, of course you will have to suffer full responsibility in the event that you do get found out. If there is a registered car around, and you don't have anyone willing to drive you where you need to go to earn your money...its kind of your only option if there are no taxis or buses. But, this wasn't the case! And it wasn't even just used for work! Even when he finally did get a job, if he wanted the car that day...he got it. Man, even thinking about the car stuff I can hear him threatening me the day he got arrested while I was driving the next county over...it scares me still....

Anyways, he would take the car to do whatever he wanted. Even when I wanted to go with him, he wanted to go by himself. He would even make up stories about this or that to try to get me to not want to go. "I'm just going over to find a part at my parent's house" yea...well finding a part doesn't take all day...and involve using up a tank of gas when they only live within walking distance. Oh, and the times when he would drive while drinking!! How many times did I need to find someone to give me a ride to go and pick up my car with poor Dallas sitting in the front seat!! At 29 years old, if he hadn't grown up already, he never will. All the times when I would say I would drive him here or there...he said he didn't want to be 'babysat'. Well, when you lost your license when you were 17, don't have a car of your own, and don't have enough smarts to realize you shouldn't be driving in the first place...you kind of NEED to be babysat. Even the same DAY I got my car back from the shop after he had rendered it undriveable...I wasn't 'allowed' to drive my own car!! How crazy is that?! I even ended up getting bitched at for wanting to stay in the car in case it got dark outside...but still didn't get to drive it. Its also almost comical that every single ticket hes ever had, along with the damage hes done to the car...was never ever REALLY his fault. He would take the car and risk his own ass to go pick up teenage kids and drive them places. (he even would give them cigs, beer, and weed...but i'm not even getting into that one now on this post). He would go at the drop of a hat to go 'help a friend out with car trouble'. You know, that last day he screamed and yelled at me (and threatened me) we were talking about my grandfather's gas card. He didn't see the issue in charging over 800 dollars a week to it. Said we were in 'dire need'. No, we are not in dire need of you running around everywhere in the car. We only need to get to the grocery store and him to work. So, since I heard from my grandfather every month about darrell's taking of the gas card and using it, I would get upset and cry...and he would promise not to do it anymore. Did he ever keep that promise??? No. He didn't. So, that day, hes talking about how he had spent 200 dollars on gas since he got his job 2 weeks ago (way too much if he even spent that...that should cover a month with NO gas card). How, SO MUCH MONEY was going to gas when we didn't have enough for rent. I thought, maybe he will finally see how much money he goes though...maybe he will spend less. Since we needed gas to get home from yet another court date of his, I told him that if I fill up the gas tank with the gas card, I will be the one driving with that gas in the car. He starts to argue about 'what about the gas I put in it two days ago'...to which I tell him...you stole the gas card to put THAT gas in the tank. He says ok...and I say...thats a lie isn't it. He says 'well, i have to do this and that...go over to my mom's...do whatever' I tell him that I can drive...its safer that way, for both of us...since I have already spent thousands upon thousands of dollars for 1)bailing him out of jail 2)paying his lawyers and 3)the 7,000 to close all of his previous cases in order for him to get his license back...which he decided that the alcohol classes and all of that were just too much to ask of him after the fact. So, he starts threatening me while I'm driving down the road, because I said that I would just try my luck and see if I could make it home. Said that I would be the one walking back because he sure as hell wasn't going to be. So badly at that time did I just want him out of the car...and out of my life for good. I only relief I felt at that point, was that knowing in 2 days time I was going to be out of there...and everything packed up for me to leave without him having any idea that was going to happen.

So now, life with just having a car is simple. I know its there when I go to sleep, and I know its there when I wake up. I know I won't have to worry about it coming back with even more damage on it. I don't need to worry about the amount of gas going into the car...or have a surprise of how much was used each day. (10 days ago on the way up to new york, i filled up the tank in pennsylvania...when i had gotten here there was only half a tank left...I filled it up for the first time in New York 2 days ago...and this is even with making deliveries of flowers to people). I don't need to worry about arguing about the car, and I don't need to worry about having to go pick up my car up to 2 hours away from the house. I don't need to worry about a pet being stuck in the car while worrying on how to go and get it. I don't need to worry about what drugs could be in it, or open beer containers, or anyone driving the car under the influence of anything at all. And, I don't need to worry about getting a call from the police or a bailbondsman wanting me to pick him up because he was driving...and don't need to worry about my car being impounded...and that...is good.

Written October 27th

Proof found. I went to the grocery store the card was used at this morning at 7am. I got a receipt of what was bought with the card, and it was everything he bought. Even after he saw the piece of paper...he said he lost the card at the store...I told him him it was ok for him to say that, he would be on camera at walmart as well...then he fessed up. I went to see the domestic violence people today...suprisingly UNhelpful. I then went to speak with a magistrate judge about me being the co-signer on his bonds. Then, per his advice, talked to the bail bondsmen we used. I told them the situation. They understood after a little while. Turns out, he even missed a court date TODAY...so the police will be picking him up for that by Friday. We have no money, so there is no money to bond him out. On top of that, fraud charges for the credit card will be placed. He has a court date tomorrow as well that I have to take him to as well...and I have to keep pretending that my mom, her friend and his son will be down here to move me out of here of Thursday. He also has yet ANOTHER court date on Friday...so...probably another warent, because I have no idea how he will get there. It might sound bad, but I'm happy hes going to have to deal with jail with no-one to bail him out, except maybe his boss. I'm leaving the state, so I'm not pressing charges of abuse...unless when I get my restraining order when I get to where I'm going...they offer to. I just don't want to have to do that so far away from where I'm living. I just hope that everything will work as planned...I hope...

Written October 26th


so, theres a 90% chance he stole my mom's credit card...and he stole the gas card. There is a very slim chance I left it at the corner store this morning...but I've never just left a credit card somewhere. At the same time he went out to get groceries, I get a call from my mother, because she got a call from her credit card company. It was used at the grocery store, and then was used at a walmart...and then they tried to use it at the gas station there and thats when they cut it off. The credit card goes to my mom's account, but when I moved away, she gave me one with my name on it in case of emergencies. Since we don't have much money right now, I called and asked her if I could use it for something under five dollars this morning. I always call and ask her before I use it. But, he wants me to believe it just so happened that he paid cash at the exact same store, at around the same time the credit card was stolen and used at THAT store? I got the call from my mother about 5 minutes before he got home. He had about 200 dollars worth of stuff. (the credit card was charged 193 and some change). He said it took him the extra half an hour because he met up with our landlord first. Our rent for this month was very, very late...and he still didn't pay it all off. When I asked him if he put gas in the car because there was only 1/8 of a tank he said "yes i paid cash for it. remember when we went to sheetz the other day and I had a $100 dollar bill? I used that". Then, I asked him if that was true, why was my gas card missing. He said "oh, yea, i have that". Then, he admitted to using it, getting angry and defensive. Saying that if he had asked me I would have said yes anyways. Well, no, I wouldn't have. And, he knows that, or else he would have asked. The gas card is from my grandfather and its for mobile. He used to be the vice president, and when its used, he gets a 10% discount on gas. He has been kind enough to pay for MY gas use ever since I got a car. Things started to go south once he started using it. He just drives, and drives and drives. Even though he doesn't have a license. He will drive all over the place just for the hell of it. I will drive to where i need to go, to do what I have to do. Sometimes i may go here or there, maybe just a tiny bit out of the way, on my way back from somewhere. When I use the car, I only need to fill it up once a week. Thats including the driving to take him to work and come home in the morning, and same in the evening. Then, whatever I am doing during the day. On Thursday I filled up the tank with the card...and on Sunday he uses it again. My grandfather gets so angry about this misuse...and I don't blame him. I will just be so so sooo happy when I get myself out of this situation, and then I can take all of that blame off of my sholders. I won't have to worry about doing things I really don't want to do, and lying for him to try to keep the peace. Hes just one of those guys, Darrell is, that if you say what you think and he doesn't like it.....you suffer the consequences....

Written October 25th




I started this, because I'm going through so much...I really don't mind people I don't know reading about me...maybe someone can learn from my mistakes...and then all of this would have been for something

I have an autoimmune disease called churg strauss syndrome
I am in an abusive relationship
I am pregnant

I started to make plans to leave the father of my unborn child...but hes started being nice again. I'm sure you will only understand this if you were abused (comments like this didn't make sense to me before I ended up in this relationship), but I need him to be mean again to get me to go. When your in an abusive relationship, I've learned its not just me, its everyone, that just wants everything to be ok...I just want him to change and be ok. I don't want to be scared anymore. But now, since I've pulled away and I'm planning to leave, hes being nice. He has no idea what I'm planning....none whatsoever. He thinks he can just say sorry, and he'll work on it, and it will be ok. But, its not ok. He doesn't see how everything adds up. He doesn't see the big picture. He says he doesn't enjoy being an ass hole...but at the same time, he will block it all out of his head...so he doesn't remember how much it hurt me the time before or the time before that. He has stolen over 20 thousand dollars from me. He has been telling me what I can and cannot do. He yells at me and calls me horrible things, and tells me he should kill me. He has beaten me up, and he is violent by putting holes in walls, and breaking things in the house. On the other hand, he can be sweet...and help me when I can't walk because of my illness (it happens for about 20 minutes once a week). If I'm not feeling well, he will bring me food...and, I'm in love with him. Head over heels in love with him. But, I know what I have to do. That said, I'm still not going to take his parental rights away.
I'm about to make a move back home where I'm from....which is about a 12 hour drive from where I am now. Maybe I'll be ok sharing that kind of information later on.
I'm 15 weeks pregnant, and high risk. I don't know how I'm going to get movers and either a truck or a storage place. I hope, that I can start to figure things out. I'm happy that I got this, now I have somewhere to vent and get my thoughts out quickly...on all of this going on...thank you for reading if you did...

OMG...I have a baby on the way...oh please oh please let me do a good job!!

why does he have to be this way? thinking hes 'so good...so great...always doing such great things to make up for his drawbacks' does he not realize how HUGE his drawbacks are? How when hes an ass, he takes it ssooo far that little things of good don't make up for it? How his actions, however good his intentions are, he doesn't think about the people around him? At all? Even if he thinks he does? Why can't he just think about my feelings about things for once. It's just not at all fair to me...all the crying...and at the same time all the friends I want to see and be around me. All the chances that I could have to meet new people and hang out with people...things he gets to do all the time. Its not like I ever get to join in on the fun after the work day since he's driving my car and not fixing his own. I don't get to go out anywhere to meet him...to have fun too. I hear some stories...lots of stories...but I'm not part of them. Just cuz I'm in a new area...and I don't have any friends here...probably cuz I don't have the opportunity here. I miss friends, I miss a lot of things, and I miss a lot of friends who have cut me off now. The only hope I have is people possibly willing to come down to North Carolina, to either hang out here or at the beach. Thats all I've got to hold onto at the moment...

My man...I've been with for almost a year now. Its crazy how when you are in a relationship you can't just go do what you want to do. I want to fly over to england and see a friend of mine...but you can't just go over and do that when you are in a relationship...and that kinda sucks. My mate offered to buy me a ticket and to stay at his place. Its not like its something that I would be cheating or anything...its just a FRIEND...and thats all it is. I am completely in love with the man I am with already. I have a passport...he doesn't. Its like...if I went down the street to hang out with a friend while my man was working, although this would be flying across the pond. I don't know what to do about that. I want to do what I want to do, but I don't want it crushing his heart. But, at the same time, my heart is in England. I love that country, I wish I was born there and should have been. My man and I have even made plans on how to get him a visa because he knows how strongly I feel about wanting to live there. It's 3am and hes not home now though...and his phone is off...where the fuck is he? Why could he not give me the consideration I deserve. I know he has that cell phone charger in the car...I know he has minutes on his phone...but there is no answer...its off off off off off!! Its not fair of him to make me worry, not fair at all. So, look at me...I'm giving him all of this consideration about going to see a friend of mine overseas, yet he is giving me no consideration as to where the fuck he is as 3am...its rediculous...why is life like this...

That movie The Mexican...I had never seen it before until a few days ago. (I know...behind the times I guess). But towards the end of the movie, 'Leroy' asks a question. When two people who are in love with each other just can't seem to get it together, when does it come to an end? His answer was never...and so was her boyfriend when she asked him that question later on. When he told her that if she spoke one more word he was going to crash the car and she spoke one more word...he tried to drive the car into something on the side of the road...crazy shit...reminds me of the man I'm with right now. Today, he was sick and in pain...so he took his attitude out on me. I wasn't going to stand for it...i was supposed to get surgery today which got pushed to next Wednesday and I am in a terrible amount of pain myself...but I'm not taking it out on anybody. It's him him him him him...all the time. Excuses...all the time. I get accused of not seeing both sides, but I do...I always do...I always have. Today, there was something with all of his stuff that I did not want around the car...its just asking for trouble...trouble that I paid a lot of money for to get him OUT of trouble. He told me he was a grown man and he can do whatever he wants to. I told him I did not want the stuff in my car. He then said I could not talk to him like that...but I told him I could. He slams on the breaks hard. It scared the shit out of me. Then, he did it again and now my neck is curving towards the side. I tried to get out of the car and just walk home to get away but he was grabbing onto my arm and speed up with the car moving...I finally got out....to only have him follow me around in the car...threatening to kill me, to run me over with the car...drive fast towards me trying to scare me...which he did. I was crying so I got called a 'titty baby'. He then drives back to the house with my border collies in the car, and said if I ever wanted my dogs again I better get in the car. He told me that if I got home before him he was gonna beat the shit outa me. I don't know what causes these things...this has not happened in months upon months. Why do I still love a guy like this...and hate him just as much. Its not fair...with everything I have done for this man and this is the way I get treated. He doesn't even have a car and uses mine all the time...It's just not fair.

I don't want any comments on here telling me i'm an idiot and to get out of this relationship...because you don't know...you don't see the everyday life. All I ask is for people to be nice to me..but I guess its too much to ask for...

Katharine-

So, in 2005 is when I started writing on here and got some really great info/insight into my life my complete strangers...which was so much easier than places people know me. Now, people on here know me too--I guess that means I'll have to start another secret spot for people who I don't know in person who comment on my ramblings...lol

Last time I made an entry was in April of 2008 I think it was when I said I was going to England...and wow was it an amazing time. Even though I was completely sick when I had gotten there life was good. I had just spent about 4 days in LA with my ex Dan and friend Chris. Dan and I had broken up about a week before the trip, but always vowed to be close friends...its what we were at the core for about 3 years of my life. I got to see Matt...things happened and didn't happen...I went home back to Greensboro. Ever since I was young whenever I got sad and depressed or anything I just would always say 'I just want to go hhoommeee;...England felt like home....even when walking around by myself during the day having just the smallest of interactions with people. I got back to Greensboro and Dan moved out and into the apartment about two away from mine...which was hard on both of us...trying to move on but keep the friendship going. Not wanting to exclude the other person even though you might be meeting a new guy/or girl for him for the first time and seeing if that goes anywhere dating wise. He really started actively finding people before I did which I thought was really good for him. I met a few guys, it didn't go anywhere at all...lets just say there was not a single guy who i met for the first time who i thought anything would have happened with at all...until I met Darrell in July. I drove out to see him and ended up staying for 4 days. I don't fool around with guys I'm not in a relationship with...because I know that makes me closer to the person...so I didn't. I liked Darrell a lot, but didn't know if my whole holding out thing was either going to be a positive or a minus in his book...turned out to be a positive (if it had been a minus he wouldn't have been someone i shoulda been interested in in the first place). It was rocky though...he didn't call for a week and I thought that it meant he wasn't going to call at all and that confused me. To drag me away from my phone my roommate Ashley took me out around the town for some much needed drinking and drunken karoke singing. We got home at about 4 AM and there was a message I had just missed on my phone (that i had left in my bedroom on purpose) and it was Darrell...so he ddiidd like me. I saw him the next day and took him immediatly to the hospital, where he had to get emergency surgery on his jaw. I can't even believe how bad it must hurt to completely break your jaw and then have to suck food through a straw..dammnn...let it be said he was an ASS. I understood though, when i had gotten throat surgery in 2004 I didn't care who i was being an ass too I was in so much pain. It was hard though...because it was a completely different guy from the guy i spent 4 days in a row with...I was just hoping that guy would surface again after most of the pain was gone. It did, he can be the sweetest most caring loving man in the world...and I know hes crazy in love with me and I am with him. Now, this relationship still is the hardest I've ever had...I don't think I have ever been this in love before. A lot of stuff has happened though that makes things suck...he stole money from me when I was paying for him already, in one instance he completely lost his mind and I got physically abused and when he realized it he tried to kill himself---then started reading the domestic abuse pamphlets after I filed a DVO against him and started going to therapy. I know nothing physical will ever happen to me again. There were lots of lies...basically lots of fuck ups that hes trying to make amends for...and when I say trying I really mean he is trying. What sucks about this whole situation...is that I live in North Carolina. Most of all of my family and friends do not live here...do not see day to day things that happen. They hear these big huge horrible things that he has done to screw me over----but they don't see the good and they don't see him trying and they don't see how far hes come and above all that they don't even want to hear about it. Nobody wants to hear about anything. Normally if you have a rocky patch in a relationship you can call a friend and you can vent...none of my friends want to listen to me about anything that would be something normal in a rocky patch because they think I'm an idiot for not leaving. I have had so many hurtful things said to me by family members its rediculous. I'm almost at that point where I am just like 'fuck all of you who don't want to see past anything and still be a friend of mine'. And fuck Dan for letting his girlfriend control him into not being able to be friends with me (which i dont understand at all, since I spoke with her once and she seemed nice as can be). Nowadays...Darrell works about 12 hours a day..I have 4 wonderful dogs..I live in a neighborhood I don't particularly like..I hardly have any friends anymore..and i just kind of feel generally unhappy. The only shining lights are when Darrell is home or around and can actually relax, if people who are not two-faced stop over or we go over there, and my orchestra audition that is coming up at the end of the month so I can get back into doing what I love and getting paid for it. I know I will make a whole bunch of musician friends again if I make the orchestra which I really really hope I do. I just want to be happy, and at the moment there are not a lot of things that are filling that in my life...and I don't really have anything I can do about it...

Katharine-

I AM GOING TO EENNNGGLLLAANNDDDDD..are you jealous?...lol

anyone still here?

I left for that myspace craze and of course now it sucks....i thought i might start venting about my life again....it really felt good to do that before, yet i feel like i can't really do it on places like facebook and myspace where i know ssooo many people. Its nice to be able to write down what you are feeling, and even though you know that some people who know you will come across it, its cool to get the point of view from people who don't know me at all on my crazy life.

I'll introduce myself again, as last time I was on here i deleted a lot of things....

I'm 22 years old (23 in December). I've been away from msn/windows live since I got engaged almost two years ago. I havn't finished school yet, I have only completed two years of college....that being in double bass performance. I've been sick since the age of 16 with one thing after another. My current sickness is some type of autoimmune disease that i am taking chemo for.

I started the nutrisystem diet since I gained a lot of weight from steroids, and have already lost 35 pounds in 3 months which is pretty great.

My fiance is an amazing man, and he would do anything for me. I am so so so freakin lucky. But, i'm insane. I'm kind of like a broken machine. Past relationships pulled out different parts. I have no desire to have to parts back, but without them I am still broken...and I don't know how to find new ones. I know that sounds kind of cheezy but thats the way it is. So...i'll be around..and you can listen to me babel...

Katharine